I’m too practical to be on the cutting edge of fashion.
When I saw a picture of Kylie Jenner in a simple black dress with a giant life-sized stuffed lion head, my first thought was that when the meal was served, she was sitting on the table. I was wondering if I could pull it up.
How can she keep her balance?
Can she navigate the monster in the toilet stall?
I’m a mediocrity, so I check the weather app before deciding what to wear. My go-to fashion advisor is a local meteorologist.
I’m so imaginative that I’ve never looked into the possibilities of a closet and thought, ‘I wonder if an animal head artist’s representation looks bound to it?
Imitation taxidermy accessories might be a trend that falls under “fashion regrets.” It’s far from me to cast the first shoulder pads. I live with my fashion regrets.
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When I was in high school, granny dresses with long skirts and big sleeves were popular. I felt wonderfully fashionable as I ran through the corridors between history and mathematics. She looked like the Ingalls girl from “Little House on the Prairie”.
When I was a new mother, big lace collars on dresses were the trend. They were feminine and fancy. I tried to convince her mother to get it. She refused and said she looked like she had stuck her head in the tablecloth.She could immediately see why wearing that dress always made her want to eat china.
Mom jeans were one of the few fashion trends I used to keep up with.
Big hair had great endurance. It’s the only trend I’ve ever been on. My hair correlates with humidity, so big hair is past, present and future. Again, with my fashion advisor, a meteorologist.
Jane Fonda’s workout videos popularized leg warmers. Leg warmers were like long evening gloves without toes, worn only on the feet.
Why even now? I ask myself. what were we thinking?
Today I read that big blazers are the latest trend. Everyone who is someone is swimming in one. True to its name, the large blazer is large, with oversized sleeves and a trapeze cut roomy enough to accommodate you and her three friends.
I was wearing a big blazer and one of the Grand Slams asked me if I was changing clothes. Someone else asked if I was too old to go trick-or-treating and asked myself if I was serious about wearing a seatbelt all over the fabric.
One designer reportedly told women, “Go for an oversized fit. It will work for you.”
That’s exactly what I’m worried about.
Lori Borgman is a columnist, author, and speaker. Her book What Happens When You Stay Over at Grandma’s House has been published. Email her at email@example.com.